Fandom Pain

(Source: Tamon-kun Ima Docchi!?)

Heart-shaped decorations alleviate amorous atmospheres here and there. All things red and pink dominate malls, minimarkets, and even mansions. Confectioneries and bakeries are offering chocolates or brownies designed in similar styles and shades. Timely tunes that retell enchanting encounters or intimate interchanges suddenly feel sweeter than ever. Events and gifts, such as candlelight dinners and bouquets of roses, are must-do and must-buy items. 💝💐

What on earth is happening? Well, it means the world has fully rotated into the one date that people either look forward to or loathe. Maybe even both at the same time! Hahaha. Yes, Valentine's Day is here again! Or as the innocent kids—and perhaps, adult naysayers—would react, "Womp Womp." 😂

It feels like only yesterday that I posted an exposition about this arguably commercialized festivity. Okay, no, who am I kidding? The 2025 tiredness begs to differ! That piece was indeed many moons ago. Time just passed us by so fast, it's still fresh in my mind alone. 🤦🏻‍♂️

The exact thought did occur to me, though. Why should I discuss Valentine's Day again when I can repost that post? But its core theme is love, after all. And love, whether we like it or not, is here, all around us, both in plain sight and through subtle gestures. From the angelic Agape to the evocative Eros, love always invites old stories and new discussions. Seriously, I literally fell asleep rewatching a 30-minute talk show compilation about the day of love last night. 😪😅

So, without further ado, let's do that, too! But this time, and this year specifically, let's talk about a unique kind of passionate love that can easily range from adorable to extreme. It's a shared feeling of appreciation and affection that may be as uplifting as it is intoxicating. 😳😨

To be a FAN!!! 🤟🏻🥰🤩

(Source: Tamon-kun Ima Docchi!?)

L is for the Way You Look

Everyone's a fan of something. As human beings, we have the agency to like someone or something. When that feeling of fascination grows stronger, it transforms into admiration. 👀❣

Over time, such intense fondness may accumulate into devotion, and eventually sheer adoration. Many even go so far as to defy logic and explanations. We've all seen how groups of people are willing to believe or do pretty much anything their worshipped leader/figure claims and orders them to. Isn't that how religions were born? Or how political parties gain traction? 🤷🏻‍♂️

I'm not going to explore that example further, as this (hopefully) will never be the space for that. But being a fan, and not just a casual fan, in many ways is similar to that, eh? It's a community that doesn't mind paying extra or invests more time and energy in a subject/object of interest. 🤔🤯

In older, more sensible, more understanding days, that is. I'll get to that in a few... ⏳

"The fans are like rings that orbit round and round around the stars. They're all just countless particles.

This is how far I should be from him. I can't make the mistake of becoming a meteor and crash into him."

—Utage Kinoshita, Tamon-kun Ima Docchi!? (Episode 1)

The quote I included above came from a surprising new anime that's currently airing, titled Tamon-kun Ima Docchi!? (Tamon-kun's B-Side). It's surprising to me because it was never on my radar. Idols and everything around them are, sorry to say, NOT my thing. I dabbled in it (or perhaps tried to get into it?  😅) when I was a much younger, naive nerd, influenced by peer pressure and all. Even so, looking back, my primary interest was always for their songs, not the whole concept of idols and the daunting devotion towards them. 🎶🤔

Okay, that's a pretty elaborate exposition to say, "I've never been much of a fan," huh? Hahaha. 😅

Anyway, Tamon-kun is a rom-com that leans more into the comedy aspect. That's the reason I ended up watching it. After all, I AM a fan of good comedies. Personally, a fair dose of laughter is always helpful, if not necessary, to lighten up the heavy, dreary, and needy nature of our daily demands. It's the cheesy or sweet embrace we need! 😁👍🏻

Much like my delightful introduction to a certain gourmet anime last year, Tamon-kun most definitely made the most timely entrance. I already wanted to focus on the topic of fans' love since late last year. The anime, however, has given me deeper insight and understanding into how devoted a fan can be. Its theme just clicked so soundly! I guess, like a fated pairing, if it's meant to be, it's JUST meant to be. Would you agree? 🙋🏻‍♂️💞

The manga-turned-anime series centers on Utage Kinoshita, a high school student who works part-time as a housekeeper. Her job has a divine purpose. Utage needs money to support something, or SOMEONE, to be precise. That someone is none other than her Oshikatsu, the titular Tamon Fukuhara, the alluring, sexy, seductive member of the idol unit (or as we in the 90s called it, boyband) F/ACE. More than that, the hardworking girl is a self-proclaimed missionary of the Church of Tamon, vowing to spread the good word of Tamon-kun and attract more followers. 💒🙏🏻

Hilariously, the same job crashed Utage into a mindblowing reality check. Tamon's pretty guy, people-pleasing, publicized persona is, well, merely a persona. A gigantic facade, to put it bluntly. His real personality is the complete opposite. Hence, the title's wording "Which Tamon Am I Seeing Now!?" comes into clearer perspective. As instantly implied by his true nature, Tamon is only the first example in the series. Utage eventually learns there are even more. 👀🤯

Utage's expressive but endearing reactions, actions, and interactions with Tamon's gloomy antics become the fuel for nonstop laughter. Despite the strange and wacky situations, she also portrays the spirit of a sincerely supportive fan. It's clear that Utage, so far, is a depiction of the more positive part of the fandom. 👏🏻👩🏻

(Source: Crunchyroll)

O is for the Only One

FANDOM is the community of fans sharing the same interest, as simple as that. It's an old term coined more than a century ago. The base word is, well, what else? FAN, which itself appeared two to three decades earlier. Upon deeper look, the term originated from two possible words: Fancy and Fanatic. Those words also have their own history, of course. 🤠⚾️

At the time, a "fan" refers to a sports enthusiast. Baseball fancy fanatics, in that era. Nevertheless, as we're now aware, the scope has expanded to encompass nearly any cultural phenomenon, including TV shows, movies, and public figures. The nature is, in a way, polyamory as well, considering someone can be an ultra fan of several fandoms at the same time. 🎥🎻

Oshikatsu, closely compared to the Western idea of Stan Culture, is a subculture of fandom. This particular subculture carries very different connotations depending on who's looking. To outsiders, their dedication may seem like an addiction that triggers unnecessary spending. Still, economists believe it has the potential to revitalize Japan's economy as well. 👨🏻‍💻🧚🏻‍♀️

That describes Utage's character and driving force. As a student, she doesn't really need to worry about food on the table or paying monthly electrical bills. She has parents who are alive and active to handle those responsibilities. Oshikatsu activities, on the other hand, are NOT a cheap choice. It requires significant financial demands on Utage's pocket to show support for her Oshi. There are concerts to attend, merchandise to buy, and all kinds of fans' banners to make! She works hard to make all of that possible. 💇🏻💵   

Admittedly, the negative sentiment that fawning over an oshi is a pointless, negative, unhealthy, and selfish behavior makes sense. But instead of judging others so easily, let's remember that people live differently, and that's fine. A lifestyle or life choice that works for us doesn't necessarily bode well for others. 🤫

Everyone's a fan of something, and if we stop and think about it, each one of us has probably invested some form of contribution to our fandom. Maybe it's literal money, like Utage? Or, it's simply the intangibles, such as time, effort, and attention. Also like Utage. Hahaha. Again, fandom is an overarching term that applies to various aspects or subjects in life. 💫🌐

Later in the story, it was revealed that Utage also had a fundamental reason for joining Tamon's fandom. Without spoiling anything, the idol's presence helped her find her place and purpose. Honestly, that's the part I can relate to so much. As a human being with free will and not an AI chatbot (and somehow baffled that I still need to point that out sometimes), obviously, I have my share of fandom, too. My essays on Super Sentai, Pokémon, and some others are evident enough already. 😅

The one that mirrored Utage's dedication the most, however, was my interest in the Sakura Taisen (Sakura Wars) franchise. Their music, to be even more specific (composed by the all-time greatness Kouhei Tanaka-sensei). I couldn't really claim to be a hardcore fan of the entire franchise. Frankly speaking, the only game I played from start to finish was Sakura Taisen V: Saraba Itoshiki Hito yo when NIS America localized it for the Nintendo Wii. That said, the musical numbers always gave me a purpose, whether big or small, to keep going forward. 😥🕺🏻

And yes, that entire paragraph was in the past tense for a reason. Before SEGA soft-rebooted the franchise in 2019—only to tank it again on June 30, 2021, with the underperforming Sakura Kakumei ~Hana Saku Otome-tachi~ mobile spin-off—, the game series had already entered hiatus in 2008. Even so, stage musicals and smaller-scale festivals and anniversary events continued taking place at irregular intervals until July last year, with Sakura Taisen Budoukan Live 2 ~Teito.Paris.New York~ being the most notable and memorable one, in October 2011. 💃🏻🎤

I specifically mentioned that show because that was the last time the main and key supporting cast members from the first five games held a memorable, once-in-a-lifetime concert to unsurprisingly much fanfare. Now, that glorious ensemble is no longer possible. Several of the voice actors are sadly no longer with us. Truthfully, my focus on the franchise has started to wind down from that point onward, too. Not even the 2019 game managed to fully revive my interest. 🤫💿

(Source: SEGA)

V is Very, Very Extraordinary

Such is the unfortunate, heartbreaking reality of fandom. As with all things human-related, every entertainment entity starts and finishes. It's always a temporal existence. There's an inevitable time limit to how long it can keep going. ⌛️⛔️

Many of us often wish for a show or a movie franchise to continue forever. Or for a favorite idol to keep singing and shining on stage. Alas, that is as rare as a snow leopard. The kids' show Doraemon has been on air since its 1973 premiere. Even after the creator passed away. Neighbours, the famous Australian soap opera, on the other hand? It wrapped again (yes, for the second time) last year, despite staying on screen for 41 seasons. While the legendary actor Dick Van Dyke remains as spry and enthusiastic about working, others like Dame Judy Dench have officially retired from the industry. 🤷🏻‍♂️

On the bright side, the attachment itself, especially supercharged with nostalgia, doesn't really go away. As heartbreaking as it may be not to see our beloved media or characters in the spotlight, technology has made it easy and convenient for us to revisit them. Many older series and movies that were once confined to outdated formats, such as VHS or CDs, have been digitally remastered and are accessible at the palm of our hands. 🤳🏻

Sure, there was a sense of sadness and pain when the object of interest left our lives. But now, that pain feels less aching. Even when they don't technically exist anymore, the all-time classics are still around. They will remain as long as the baton continues being passed on to the next generation. I may not be the avid fan that I was before. But the fact that I can listen to and sing Sakura Taisen songs on different digital music services, 30 years after its game debut, is an extraordinary example. 🤩👍🏻

"Fans are terrifying creatures.

They're ruthless beasts who engage in bloody quarrels with each other."

—Keito Tachibana, Tamon-kun Ima Docchi!? (Episode 7)

The new, real pain, regrettably speaking, has instead come from a different side of the table: the fandom itself. 😨

No, I can only wish I'm kidding with that! Eras have changed, as they always do. The way fans interact with films, shows, anime, celebrities, and more has also morphed, for better or worse. Understanding and sensibility don't play out as they did before. 😔

Personally, I’m not even sure when this irritating irony started. Calling it ‘new’ already feels outdated. TOXIC FANDOM, a phrase that has gotten very common, disturbingly so, has been prevalent in recent years. Or maybe the better wording should be MUCH LOUDER AND BOLDER? As many have pointed out, social media blurred barriers and boundaries between interests and fandom. It paved the way for anyone in the fandom to express their views in real-time. Disappointingly, that includes bullying, harassing, and sending death threats, not just to other fans with a different point of view, but even to the creators directly. 🤬👹

Stranger Things concluded its story after five seasons on New Year's Day. Immediately after, many fans stormed the internet, crying that they had been betrayed by an ending "too HAPPY" that it didn't meet their expectations. Apparently, it would be more pleasing to them had one or more of the characters died in the final battle. Wait, what? 🙅🏻‍♂️😱

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is currently in an odd state of "dismissal" post the spectacular success of Avengers: Endgame. The amount of ridiculous hatred toward its movies and TV shows echoes across social media as of this writing. Here's an unpopular opinion: NONE of them are as awful or as bad as the discourse complaints, though. It's just a matter of which demographics the title is aimed at. 🙆🏼‍♂️🧏🏽‍♀️ 

Likewise, I can say the same about Nintendo. When the Japanese company announced Nintendo Switch 2, the community's cheers quickly turned into sneers upon the revelation of the much higher price. For years, the fandom rallied Nintendo to keep up with the rest of the gaming industry in terms of technical specs. Yet when they decided to do so, including the inevitable higher, non-family-friendly pricing? To this day, comments shouting, "Nintendo is greedy!" still appear across channels and social media posts. 💰👈🏻

"You are part of the problem" is a direct personal attack that I will never forget that day. To think I was only commenting neutrally that, due to the rising cost of everything, the "console price makes sense." For the first time in my life, I got called a "Bootlicker" too! Woohooo, achievement unlocked! Hahaha 🤣

Similarly, the Pokémon franchise continues to get the short end of the stick. Its newer games are ridiculed and review-bombed by people before they launch. The sentiment that "Game Freak is lazy" has gotten very exhausting and repetitive. It's as if the complainers are parroting the same copy-pasted excuse. Over and over again. 😒🐀

When a hacker stole and leaked terabytes of project data from the company—a massive privacy breach for Japanese companies—a portion of fans cheered and shouted that the punishment should have been worse. The demo of the upcoming Pokémon Pokopia, set for a March 5, 2026, release, has surprised many gaming journalists in a good way. But if one scrolls to the comment sections, the nagging rant over Game-Key Cards is still there. 🙄🤦🏻‍♂️

(Source: Eurogamer)

Here's the thing: I'm a simple guy. A natural nitpicker. If I like something, I support it in the way that I can. Maybe I can save up to buy and enjoy it fully. But if it's too expensive, I cheer for it in silence. If I don't like something, I don't invest my emotions or money in it and shift my focus elsewhere. There's really no point in harassing others who seem to like it, even if we share differing tastes. 🤷🏻‍♂️

But that's not how it works anymore? Does that neutral stance mean I'm not a real fan? How about the so-called fans of modern fandoms who—under the bold excuse of pushing for good change and quality— don't hesitate to attack creators whenever things don't play out the way they have desired? Do they count as the real fans instead? 🤔

"Your duality seems even more intense than mine."

—Tamon Fukuhara, Tamon-kun Ima Docchi!? (Episode 1)

By looking at it through the lens of love, the toxic development starts to feel less surprising. Fandom IS a form of love after all. There is an emotional investment poured slowly but surely into the dedication. Once it reaches a certain level, it may evolve into an obsession. Obsession can have a positive impact as a powerful force that pushes forward. An obsession that's not regulated and balanced carefully, though? Can trigger harmful outcomes or even compulsive behaviors! 😍👿

If a romantic relationship can turn sour and downright abusive, the same applies to fandom. Love can become a dangerous sense of entitlement. When fans develop a specific fan identity, anything that does not meet their idealistic mindset may be perceived as a threat. Their personal investments suddenly mean ownership over the object of interest. God complex much? Or an extraordinary pain in the neck? 🍋👺    

E is Even More Than Anyone

No doubt, being a fan is a different case now. It requires a lot of patience to be in a fandom that has gotten hostile, draining, or fractured. Experts say pain lingers when what we love is gone. But in modern fandom, the pain swells while it's still alive. The noise, the wars, and the endless negativity might make us question why we even bother to stay in it! 😩🤦🏻‍♂️

Fortunately, people are indeed aware of the rise of toxic fandom. It could very well sit among the reasons for the increasing push to limit social media access for kids in various countries. Many psychologists and writers have also emphasized the importance of walking away from social media. It serves as a form of activism in its own way. ❌📵

Truly, I agree that's a great gesture and action. Although it's not easy to pull off, the thought of not having to wade through a pool of toxic fandom already gives me peace of mind. And really, we should be in charge of our emotional safety. Let the toxic be toxic while we persevere in positivity, far away. Right? Hahaha! 🤟🏻😝

Moreover, the reality remains that a fandom began as a united community. A group that shared a similar love for someone or something. In many ways, that's still happening. There are many good apples despite some rotten bunches. 🍎😇

When a political move prompted The Walt Disney Company to dismiss director James Gunn, positive fan support allowed him to return and direct Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3. Most recently, actress Maya Imamori was unceremoniously fired from No. 1 Sentai Gozyuger. The fandom voiced its disapproval about the unfair treatment. Yet, there was no boycotting the show or its producers. The show continued to air, despite being in an awkward state, and the fandom watched to the end. Both examples are proof that fandom can raise a healthy voice. 😮👏🏻

(Source: Still Watching Netflix)

Watching Tamon-kun provides a similar reassurance. Utage has indeed reprimanded Tamon a few times when his negativity gets a little too dark and almost gets the best of him. No matter how I see it, though, her reasoning is always to support and infuse positivity back into him. There's no hostility, and not once does she think she's above him! That's a display of genuine tough love that reminds Tamon how much he means more to her than he thinks. If anything, the show keeps reminding me that people who think like Utage are still plenty, and that not all hope is lost. 😌🧡

Therefore, before this Valentine's Day ends, let's ask ourselves a simple, honest question: 

Do I want to be in a toxic relationship?

If the answer is NO, then let's start by not being the toxic one in the relationship. Loving something doesn't need to be a bittersweet affair. Beyond the drama and disappointments, it can still be a world we once called home. All we need to do is focus on the good and not the bad. 😏🤍

It works as effectively in fandom. Not everything will work out the way we want to. Instead of reacting negatively, staying calm and composed is always an option. And, maybe, after a second, third, or fourth look, we might even notice more to say, "It's a fantastic time to be a fan!" 🤩🎉

"There are going to be some fans who drift away. 

And there'll be some fans who won't."

—Ouri Sakaguchi, Tamon-kun Ima Docchi!? (Episode 6)

(Source: Tamon-kun Ima Docchi!?)

 

Framing an Imbalanced Harmony

(Source: Randy Newman)

Anyone who's a moviegoer, if not a certified cinephile, or listens to the radio, if not an avid audiophile, will most likely know the song above. At the very least, it's a familiar sound they must have heard somewhere, somehow. After all, it's a classic, timeless tune that's just tenderly heartfelt. Often, the laid-back melodies and lyrical message hit us right in the feels. 🎶💘

"If you've got troubles, and I've got 'em too

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you

We stick together, we can see it through

'Cause you've got a friend in me"

— Randy Newman, "You’ve Got a Friend in Me" (1995)

Those lines, in particular, speak of the enduring loyalty and bond that Sheriff Woody Pride and Buzz Lightyear have shared for 30 years. 🤠🤝👨🏻‍🚀 

Personally, the iconic theme evokes a bittersweet nostalgia for the bygone days. A relic of a timid time and calm connection that are no longer here! But what do you think of it? Do you agree with the story of friendship that the song serenades? Or perhaps, contrary to the general notion, you feel that it's somewhat unrealistic and too good to be true? 😨🤷🏻‍♂️

You're not alone in thinking that way. On the one hand, the idealized lines sound inspiring and, in some cases, aren't illusory. But on the other hand, not everyone has the luxury of living them in reality. The inquisitive question is: Do those sentences go both ways, from the singer to and fro the listener (much like Woody and Buzz)? Or is it merely a one-way trip (much like Woody and his first owner, Andy)? 🤔

An Imbalanced Reality

Last month, I explored the imperfect notion of finding balance. To reiterate, the definition of perfection always depends on the doers. Regardless, balance remains a necessary essence everyone should strive for, such as ensuring a proper divide between our daily work and life juggles. It should apply to human connections, either in friendship or in a relationship, too. Theoretically, that is. 😐💭

As written on that post, being a part of human nature, we tend to pursue perfection. Boosted by societal demand or pressure, we're inspired and often pushed to do so. To seek friends, lovers, and lifelong partners who are perfect. Still, the stark reality is that chasing such a grand idea of a perfect connection may not be realistic. In many cases, it could end up drifting us into dangerous waters. Just like the characters in Jurassic World: Rebirth! ⛵️🦖

The more I ponder, wonder, and yonder on that idea, the more curious I've become about one analysis. Can ANY human connection, run and riddled with flawed human nature, ever form a balanced bond? Mutual is possible, no doubt. A balanced one, though? Hmmmm. Add to that the question about the song earlier, and the matter gets murkier. 🤔⁉️

(Source: Psych2Go)

Such a thought only reminds me of the many, not just one or two, posts I've read online, lamenting about how they are "tired of always being the one to initiate dialogue" or "it hurts not to be treated kindly, even though I have given everything to them." Maybe, as you're reading this, your inner heart equally whispers, "Yes, that's me!" I'm not ashamed to admit I've boarded that ship as well. 🙄😓

Besides watching the Psych2Go video above, try to scroll through the comment section. Well, through any psychology-themed videos centering on connection, actually. You'll realize a pattern that screams one shared fact. People yearn to feel loved. That's why they work hard, often too hard, to care for or love others. Regrettably, they get less or even nothing in return. 💔😩

We don't even need to look hard for more examples. Observe the people around you, and you'll notice that. In one dynamic or another, the weight tends to tilt to one side. Whether among friends or couples, there's always an active party and a passive member. In short, imbalanced connections persist. Furthermore, there are plenty. 🙅🏻‍♂️🙆🏻‍♀️

An Influx of Care

Those are the classic cases of people who care too much. It's a type that spreads everywhere across the planet, as illustrated by various examples in real life and fiction. 💫🌏

Haru, the lead character in the stop-motion Pokémon Concierge, is one example. "The way she always puts the needs of others first is something I've never seen before," her supervisor, Ms. Watanabe, praised in Episode 8. Similarly, Touru Honda from the renowned shoujo manga Fruits Basket consistently puts the needs and feelings of others. She even lived in a tent after her mother's death to avoid burdening her grandfather. 🥺🙏

One Piece's resident doctor, Tony Tony Chopper, has a noble dream to "cure every disease." More importantly, he goes to extreme lengths for his friends. One of his memorable lines even proclaimed, "If I can be of any help, I'll even become a real monster!" And let's not forget this intense character from Parks and Recreation with his iconic, incurable "medical condition." 👏😳

(Source: Parks and Recreation)

Why are there so many cases of these selfless people, though? Well, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI for short, but you likely already know that 😅) may have the answer. Look, I get it. Not everyone agrees with the popular psychology test because it’s pseudoscience. That's fair. Even so, the system does give a hint as to why some people care too much. It classifies not one but two personality types that fit such a tendency. And their naming and symbolism alone probably already speak volumes. 🧡👍🏻

First is ESFJ, the Consul or Caregiver who's generally depicted as a Parental or Guardian figure. The second is none other than ISFJ, the Defender or Protector, who's generally depicted as a Nurse. ESFJ people are natural caring altruists who take responsibilities seriously to give back, serve others, and do the right thing. Meanwhile, ISFJ people are supposedly the mothers or eldest siblings of their groups who would go to great lengths for the people they care about. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧👨‍⚕️ 

The biggest downside of those two "people-centered" types? An ESFJ often gives all of themselves to others, risking emotional exhaustion or burnout. An ISFJ spares no effort to help others, a strong value that can lead to self-sacrificing acts, considering their inner drive to put others' needs above their own. 💝💖

Even though they are clearly different in how they gain their energy (the extroverted one from people, the other from solitude), their traits are very similar that it can be hard to tell them apart. Both shine through their natures: loyal, thoughtful, attentive, and selfless. They strive to maintain harmony and may avoid conflict, sometimes at the expense of their needs or by suppressing unhappy feelings. Deeply sensitive, they take things personally, either by being critical or repressing emotions. 🧺💛

Unsurprisingly, a study in November 2024 once again ranked ESFJ and ISFJ among the top three (alongside the dependable ISTJ) most common types in the US. Combined, they make up 26.1%, or more than a quarter. The numbers in other countries vary, but are generally still high. 🌎📊

So, if anyone ever wondered why the world seems full of people who give and give and give? Well, thank the ISFJs and ESFJs for that. They’re everywhere, and caring is practically their second language. Alas, from a different perspective, now it starts to make more sense why so many people are simply wired to care too much, huh? 😲🤦‍♂️

An Introspective Analysis

Is that the sole reason why some people care too much? The answer to that is a definite no. MBTI is simply one lens of looking at this situation. 🔍👀

The human mind is a complex mine of mystery to excavate. Considering each individual is unique and different from another, there's never a fixed one-for-all explanation for why certain people behave in a specific way. Otherwise, the Psychology field wouldn't have been as necessary and complex as we know it. Fascinating shows like Brilliant Minds, House M.D., and Monk, or movies like Marvel Studios' Thunderbolts*, Inside Out, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind wouldn't have existed. 📽🖥

(Source: TheTinySage)

Pure selfless people, as in all-out ultimate caregivers, exist and might have been born that way. These individuals, who I think are quite rare, are living angels on Earth whose calling and passion are to serve others. Mother Teresa, Pope Francis, and divine inspirations like Siddhartha Gautama and Jesus of Nazareth come to mind. Of course, I might be wrong, as I never met them in person. But their work and devotion to others speak for themselves. As TheTinySage words it, these people have a heart that "loves loudly in a world that listens quietly." 🙏🏻👂🏻

It's also possible that some are shaped to be selfless because of the circumstances around them. Such situations shifted their mindset from looking inward to outward. We've seen or read stories of little kids becoming their disabled parents' caretakers early on. They mature much faster than they should. Before they know it, they've exhibited parental traits that lead them toward being there for others beyond themselves. 👶🏻👨🏻

Speaking of parenting, others might have developed similar caregiving traits through their uneasy upbringing. Hold on. Isn't that ironic? Not really. Alain de Botton of The School of Life frequently examines this notion. In this scenario, the parents are alive and well, but one or both are emotionally unavailable. De Botton's analysis notes that those who are neglected or treated poorly as children tend to develop specific emotions or feelings once they grow up. In Psychology, I believe that's called Attachment Styles. 🙄

(Source: The School of Life)

Absence of attention may lead them to care so much for others. People who do so, in most cases, know how it feels to be ignored and stranded without help. That's why they can go to unexpected lengths to support others. In a way, caring becomes an unconscious second nature because they were never cared for. Like the video above posited, it could be an attempted rescue in progress as they assume the role of a "compulsive caregiver." 💓⛔️

The bitter truth is that not everyone understands them or can see their actions through their eyes. Likewise, the issue arises if (or when) someone who cares too much rendezvous with their hidden childhood pain. A desire to be loved and noticed that they never received! 💔😔

When that happens, their action may have also been their unconscious way to silently whisper, not shout, "I'm here. See, me. Notice me." But it comes with an unusual denial, since they never experienced one before. It's accompanied by hesitance, as they've trained themselves that expressing their desires may push their loved ones away. They don't want to be bothersome, a nuisance, or a "real pain." And what happens then, if that degree of attention they crave isn't reciprocated? 💕✋🏻

Such a situation becomes an imbalanced tightrope. Eventually, it builds up to a severe burnout that may snap the rope as soon as the weight gets too heavy. In many unfortunate cases, that table-turning moment may drastically transform these caring people into their complete opposite. Or they just walk away, silently but surely, without warning, thinking that nobody would notice. 🚶🏻💬

(Source: TheTinySage)

An Insightful Angle to Consider

A different angle may frame that non-existent mutualism. It lies in a certainty I often cite as a reminder to myself and others. 

Different people have distinct personalities.

First, it's been a common case among people who care too much to pursue the unavailable. A curious custom, you say? I agree! Unfortunately, it's real and explains why numerous relationships or connections don't gel as smoothly as they seem on paper. They're caring for the ones who don't. 😍👻

Some people don't even realize that's the case until the truth zaps them like thunder somewhere down the line. A regional high-profile celebrity couple just announced their separation after almost a decade of marriage. The reason? Reports revealed the wife was "emotionally unavailable" while the husband is the "avoidant" type. 😟🤷‍♂️

Avoidant here refers to one of the attachment styles I mentioned above. There are four types: one Secure, and three insecure (Avoidant, Anxious, Disorganized). See? Even that classification already lacks balance. For every Anxious type who's preoccupied with the desire to love and be loved, there are two Avoidants who dismiss that closeness or escape from it as a coping mechanism. Put them in one room, and it's not exactly a steady standing. ⚖️🙅‍♀️

If I use MBTI to explain this, it's akin to how ESFJs and ISFJs would focus too much on cleaning the messes of other types. That harmless act can be problematic in an ironic way. After all, other types do NOT think or act the same way as the SFJ duo. They have their unique styles in showing care. If the SFJs aren't aware of that, they might assume other types don't care for them in return.

"Sometimes we treat the people we care about as representations of ourselves. We want to mold them into what we need them to be so that our lives can be more comfortable."

—Oliver Wolf, Brilliant Minds (S02E04)

How about seeing it from the Love Languages angle? Mismatched care languages also factor in a disjointed perception. The manga-to-anime Ame to Kimi to shows a gentle example of this. In episode 2, Fuji, the introverted main character, repeatedly avoided her father, Tatsuo, who wanted to visit her. Tatsuo is a blatant example of someone who cares too much, with his frequent visits to check on Fuji and bearing gifts of all sorts. 😎🤦🏻‍♀️

Tatsuo's care language is highly likely to be Quality Time and Gifts. Meanwhile, Fuji's is an Act of Services. At a glance, they seem to show an odd dynamic, seemingly alluding to how Fuji doesn't like him. However, Fuji's primary school neighbor, a perceptive mixed-German girl, Kii, noticed something more upon seeing Fuji and Tatsuo's interaction. 😏🤭

"You didn't want to see your dad, because you didn't want to worry him. That shows you're sweet. I'm sure of it."

— Kii, Ame to Kimi to (Episode 2)  

Later on, the series further examines the different types through Fuji's friends since high school, Mimi and Ren, with their varying personalities. Of course, this is a fictional story, so the trio gets along well. But imagine if either of these characters expects the others to return care in the way they do. For example, Mimi takes it negatively that Fuji always declines invitations for a group beach trip or never lets her read Fuji's novel. That would have created conflict and tension. Right?

(Source: CrunchyRoll)

I once interacted with a lady who had just undergone a serious health procedure. She expressed her sadness that none of her friends visited or helped during her recovery. It made her feel like she had no true friends, despite always being there for others through ups and downs. 🤕😰

Annoyingly enough, some folks started placing "blame" on her for not speaking up or reaching out to her friends. "How would they know that you need them?" they argued. To be fair, it's not an incorrect suggestion. Even if it could be worded more nicely. 😬🙄

Here's the thing. The lady eventually revealed she did have someone she considers a best friend who lives a few hours away. So, I encouraged her to give her best friend a casual call, just to say hi. It might help remind her that she's not alone. Her response, however, only proved how her selfless persona was noble, but also a hurdle. "She has kids to take care of. And she had plenty of things to handle. I wouldn't want to burden her and make her worry," the lady affirmed. That's why she chose to wait in silence. For a support that never came. 💔😞

"It's easy to assume that everyone is just okay, but sometimes... they just aren't."

—Charles-Haden Savage, Only Murders in the Building (S05E09).

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that the people who care too much are at fault. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be cared for, loved, or at least seen the same way, especially if they have always been a center of one. It just means they are humans whose depository can run out. ✋🏻😲

Yet, at the same time, it may not be the recipient of their care's fault either. They operate in their own rhythm. Perhaps their hands are tied up by studies or work. The “lack of care” isn't automatically a sure sign they don't. As such, should we even play the blame game here? 👉🏻🤔👈🏻

There's a lesson in those examples. What's missing is often the wisdom and understanding of other people's unique character and situation. Silence and distance can be a form of care. But that doesn't work for everyone. Often, a gentle nudge wouldn't hurt and may be appreciated. They're not psychics who can read our minds, and we don't know theirs either. Some people over-function, while others under-function. That's just how it is. Without communication, a connection can fall apart. 👍🏻👎🏻

An Inner Harmony

By realizing, knowing, and accepting how others behave or think, we can train ourselves to manage our expectations accordingly. Over time, it may also clear out excess doubt about whether they care for us equally or not. Spoiler alert: some silently do. Some simply don't. 😌🙄

People can change, especially if they're willing and open to the idea or if their situation demands it. The majority, however, can't, don't, and won't. Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist, blatantly wrote that the latter forms a heaping number of NINETY-FIVE percent of the population, not just her clients. That's only five percent short of everyone! 😱

Hence, expecting others to change—more so to fit the image in one's mind—may be futile. It might be like wanting a frog to jump over the moon. The ones who care do care, even if they have other ways of showing it. But the ones who don't care won't care, even if we jump over the moon for them. They are who they are; there's no reshaping their mold. 😇😈

A wiser approach, should you choose to accept it (cue Mission Impossible theme song dun, dun, dun-dun), is to start the change from within instead. To start with the one in the mirror (literally speaking, not a late Halloween horror hint here 👻). After all, that's the one thing everyone has full authority to control. ☝🏻🤗

By all means, please DON'T read that as a push to start shapeshifting into a cold or ruthless person! I've witnessed many previously caring people go down that route. They've become too jaded and chose to close their hearts for good, not letting anyone else in anymore. 🙇🏻😫

Can't say I blame them. Heck, I used to be one. 😐🤷🏻‍♂️

So, why care at all, you probably wonder? Because this world, our shared space, has gotten so dark that it greatly needs more genuine care and kindness. 😞🙏🏻

Furthermore, the thought of losing our benevolent virtue just because of the disjointed way others treat us breaks my heart. It means tearing down our inner nature in the process. With the same logic I stated above: Why should we be the ones changing for their sake? Why are we becoming a carbon copy of them? Why dim the light that makes us shine? ✋🏻😥

(Source: Google Gemini. Inspired by Oscar Wilde's "The Happy Prince")

My suggestion may sound weird, but please, DON'T STOP CARING. The change I'm referring to here is not about our personalities. It means taking proactive steps to shift OUR MINDSET from "caring too much" into "caring more wisely." Think of it as a way to have the best of both worlds. We can stay caring as always, but without feeling the pain that follows. 🙏🏻

How to do that? It lies in the way we shape our responses in a situation and redirect our focus. Practice self-restraint to know when, where, and how much care we should pour for others. And do that in moderation! That's called Stoic Philosophy.

Another viable method is to balance it out. If our past tendency is to give 100% of our time and resources to help or support others, how about splitting that percentage of care into a different equation? Say, 50% for others, and 50% for someone who also needs it: ourselves! That way, we don't lose who we are in the process. We care but also receive the care we need in return, even if only from ourselves (for now). Putting ourselves first isn't selfish. 🤗😌

Let's also try to stop making excuses and embrace the people around us for who they are. Trust your gut feeling and listen closely. Often, it already senses the kind of people we're dealing with. We never expect a fish to fly when we know they can only swim. If we desire a juicy fruit on top of a tall tree, we wouldn't hold out hope that an oceanic fish will do the task for us. Right? 🌲🦈

On that note, let's also understand and teach ourselves one glaring inevitability: Our care may often be one-sided, and THAT'S OKAY. To know full well, with a clear conscience, that NOT everyone will, may, or can reciprocate similarly in the way we expect or assume. We care in one way, and others in their own. Asymmetry in emotional expression isn't a bad thing. Imbalance becomes an art, too. 🌞🌚

More importantly, remember that we have the agency to choose WHO can receive our care. If we have so much care to give, how about channeling our abundance of care to the homeless, the unprivileged kids, or other humanitarian causes? They need compassion and kindness, but rarely receive them, too. 😌💞

Keep an open mind and expand our lines of sight. Different recipients may need or deserve our care better. These people are probably not in our train of life right now. But they will board the carriage at the next station. Or, hear me out, we might have met them already! Yet we've unconsciously dismissed their presence. We were too busy fixating on the broken and bad batches or chasing the ones who can't and don't choose us. 😳🤦🏻‍♂️

Stay kind and caring! Keep our inner harmony alive, even when it feels out of balance at times. So, when life finally directs us to our people, our tribe, the rare ones who are also overlooked, they can recognize our presence from those compassionate chords in our hearts. If we stop caring, how would they resonate and complete our melody? 🎼🎶 

(Source: CaroleKingVEVO)

Funny Valentine

When this post goes up, it will only be four days before one of the "Special Days" on the planet arrives. If February alone isn't enough for you to guess, then the shades of red and pink tone and heart-shaped items decorating most shopping malls, physical or virtual, might. ❣💕

Uh-huh! It's Valentine's Day. What else? Hahaha. 😍

To be honest, this topic feels like Deja Vu. I vaguely recall writing or commenting about this topic before. Although I cannot remember when or where. That was years ago, maybe during my Tumblr era? 🤔

Anyway, what makes Valentine's Day so special, then? You probably already know the answer. It's the DAY OF LOVE. The one date when romance is supposedly in the air, as we celebrate our feelings to our "beloved people"; a phrase that, thankfully, goes beyond boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/partner nowadays (as it should be). It is the one date of the year when lovers bask in festive and cheer over the death of a priest in Rome, Ita-- ⚰☠

Huh? That cannot be right? Right? 😨

Except it IS indeed the backstory. 😰

Or at least one of the many stories/tales behind it. 🤔

That's one of the funny things about it. Despite the cheerful and joyous occasion, February 14 WAS the death of a martyr named Saint Valentine, hence the commemoration of his name. Saint Valentine was a priest the Roman Church acknowledged, later removed, but still eventually recognized as the patron of love. 💒🧔

That said, if we go even further back in time, Valentine's Day was originally a Pagan Ritual of Fertility! 😳

I won't go into details as you can read the history yourself. But my goodness, the irony of how this particular event evolved from the Middle Ages, huh? After all, like most festivities, religious or not, now it is all about two aspects: the cultural hype and the commercialization hecticness. 🤷🏻‍♂️

The hype speaks about how many people suddenly emphasize the event so much, often to an exaggeration. And furthermore, the hype shows in how people react to it. For better or worse, that is.

One example. It has become a fascinating sight in my country. Religious places or centers here are either banning Valentine's Day altogether, citing it is a foreign culture, or jumping all-in all-out into the bandwagon of festivity.

Well, please don't take my word (just a naive observation 👀), but the "peculiar" ban is most likely due to Valentine's Day originating from another, non-majority religion. Hence, it instantly becomes a big no-no in their community. 😬🙅🏻‍♂️

What about the other groups of people who are loud and proud of the festivity? It may also be due to the religious angle. "Loving others" is the core teaching of their belief. Thus, the Day of LOVE is naturally a fitting celebration. 😌🙏

(You can already guess which religions fit those "opposing" perspectives, right? 😅)  

As for the commercialization...

Need I even explain more? I'll let this artsy and expressive caricature detail it in 5 panels. 😏

(Source: LoadingArtist)

Hahaha, yes, Valentine's Day NEEDS flowers, particularly roses. Also, it MUST have chocolates! The bittersweet treat that triggers joy and happiness, apparently. Because it is a day of pleasure despite its dark origin. Bring out every ornament that is Red, Pink, or a combination of both! Some people even go the distance with dinner plans at a fancy restaurant or something extravagant. Woohoo! 😍💝🤩🥂

As of this writing, the e-commerce notifications from my phone are pinging non-stop. Proving the comic completely! 😅

"Send Gifts with this discount! Special Valentine! Use this code..."

I'm not really one to complain, I guess. Roses or candle-lit dinners are not my thing. So, I'm not buying or doing those anytime soon. However, during this time of the year, chocolates are always ON SALE! And that delights my inner child and sweet tooth. I enjoy stocking the often-exclusive treats to keep year-round, either for personal consumption or snacks for guests. In fact, I still have several bars from last year sitting on the fridge, expiring later this month. Hahaha. 😋🍫

Tasty chocolate craving side, I can't help but wonder. Have we lost sight of the true meaning of Valentine's Day by this sudden spending? 😳

Sure, the event is good for business. I mean, store owners would have LOVED seeing the increase of customers rushing to meet their "loving" deadline. Cha-ching! 🤑💸

But while the profit gets a boost, the pressure on the store workers may be equally high. Right? 😟

I have a pen pal who works in retail. Somehow, I feel he's already dreading this particular week due to having to work overtime again. How is that considered a loving gesture to them? 😨🤦🏻‍♂️

The gag comic above also concluded with a funny irony. 😅

Somehow, Valentine's Day also becomes a deadline to form a couple. This applies across the world. For example, I only learned last week that Valentine's Day is BIG in Thailand. Because the idea of finding love is ingrained in their society. I hear it has become an implicit "life goal" passed down from one generation to the next. 😶

So, what happens to those who do/can/will not have a lover? 🤨

It turned into a desperate and distressing celebration, perhaps prompting certain communities to eventually kick off the Singles Awareness Day on February 15 (supposedly in 2001). That's cool, I guess? 😅

I'm really not fond of how it is abbreviated as S.A.D., though. Especially since in our modern times, staying single or romantically unavailable/unattached has gained massive traction and normalcy. More and more people, regardless of age or gender, are choosing singlehood for various valid reasons.

To name a few: 

Specific sexual orientations, mental health stability concerns, true love is rarely feasible, fatigue due to the overt romanticization of romance, outrageous financial demands that follow, limitation of freedom is not for everyone, and so on. 😮

Are these people SAD? No, they aren't. Maybe FAR FROM THAT. Unless we're talking about the bigwigs in the government. They may be the sad ones in this equation. Not surprising, though. The stay-single movement does lead to the decline of population, causing many governments to decry and deploy all kinds of (and often, eye-rolling) methods to encourage, if not enforce, citizens to mate and eventually make babies. Yikes! But I'm not here to talk about how problematic and downright SAD such an approach can be. 🙄

I mean, on the bright side, different countries are treating Valentine's Day with lesser levels of desperation. February 14 is celebrated only as the attempt to announce or confess romantic feelings to an object of affection. It's all about the giddy fun of it all. 🤭

Japan spearheaded this world-famous tradition. You most likely already know what that is. It is depicted as a yearly trope in almost every lighthearted manga, anime, and TV drama series. Even in video games! Girls will band up to prepare handmade or purchase exclusive chocolate-themed treats for their crush. They hand those sweets over on February 14 while waiting to see if they will be reciprocated on March 14's White Day. 👀

I must admit that this tradition does make for a fun, usually funny, storyline fit for entertainment. That goes for the silly situations and shenanigans that ensue, of course. I'm not saying that love or romance is a joke. At the very least, it helps encourage us that the quest to find "the one" can be something lighthearted. It does not need to come from desperation (especially if the government somehow must act and have a say). 😌😛

Funnily enough, even THAT tradition HAS SHIFTED nowadays. Gone are the chocolate made for specific crush(es). MaiChoco has taken over! And as a short-term investment, too! Wait, huh? Hmmmm. The commercialization angle remains, I guess. Just aimed at a different direction. Hahaha. 😅

From a broader point of view, that's another thing that makes Valentine's Day funny, I suppose. Out of the blue, people want and need to declare or showcase their love. In this single day, as in a date that falls only once every 365 (or 366, you know the drill) days in a year. It begs the question: 

Why not on other days? 😐

Do people forget about love when it is not Valentine's Day? 🤔😨

That pen pal I mentioned above has his own perspective about these "special days" and the whole gifting situation that follows. He calls it the Random Gift Giving Day. And I must admit, I was already on board or agreed with him even before he told me. 🤭😁👍🏻

This is what he wrote (shared with his full approval):

"Giving a gift, say, on Christmas can mean, 'I really care about you, and this is a special day, so I want you to have this,' 

But it can also mean, 'I feel obligated to give something to you, so here it is.'

But a gift completely randomly says to me, 'I really care about you, and I've been thinking about you lately, and I want you to have this because I think you'll enjoy it.'"

That's an amazing point of view! Would you agree? 😄👍🏻

In a sense, to him, a day to express care, love, or romantic feelings is a day that falls not just annually or once a year. But it is something we should be doing ANY DAY of the year. After all, if you DO care or love someone, whether they are your soulmate, family, friends, or yourself, that is a celebration that should happen at any given moment. 🥰🎁☺💝

Put two and two together, and it is safe to say that every day should be Valentine's Day. We don't have to wait until the commemoration of a martyr's death. Right? Besides, that means we can rightfully honor Saint Valentine better, considering he served as a patron of love throughout the days when he LIVED, not just at his death. 🙏🏻❤

Valentine's Day may mean differently to people. To each their own.

But in my honest opinion, it should not be a day to celebrate love. Instead, it needs to be a day that reminds us how showcasing love should not be celebrated only once a year. Rather, it is something we must strive to do every single day; even through the simplest gestures. 😉❣

(Source: Writer Lady)